Richmond likes to make bad pizza and amazing monuments. See: Stonewall Jackson, Arthur Ashe, Weird Globe Thingy.

Heck, we have an entire street named after monuments where near-derelict post-grad renters are always ordering really bad pizza. (Sorry, Chanellos, Papa John’s and Dominos.)

If we want to thrive as a metropolis, and attract more accolades from marginal business publications that the Chamber of Commerce can point to when jacking up your dues, we need to build more great monuments and bake fewer bad pizzas.

It’s about recognizing strengths and weaknesses. Alleged grave sites of semi-famous dead people might not make for the most cheery gift shop, but it works for us. So do statues, trails and cobblestones. Yet, sometimes it seems that Richmond boasts more dudes in plastic Little Caesar’s costumes waving discount signs outside strip malls than bronzed do-gooders or historical re-enactors who can “nail” a tuberculosis death scene.

Here are five new statues to build on the River City’s streets, parks and random traffic-jammed mulch beds:

The Ambulance Chaser
Behold, the unshaven correspondence school lawyer in a $30 suit creepily hanging out in hospital cafeterias. Sure, you appear to be innocently buying tapioca pudding for the parents of children involved in mild fender benders and handing out neck braces in the parking lot. But we know you’re simply plotting your next savvy business maneuver. In a city with more personal injury lawyers than parking spots, you keep the poor and accident prone hopeful, and the upwardly mobile commuters sweating. From Bieber to Emroch and Kilduff to Allen and Allen and Allen, this will be a veritable Mount Rushmore of litigious magic makers. And we’ll locate the mound of asbestos and anthrax right beside what’s already the most dangerous monument in the city, the A.P. Hill statue at Hermitage and Laburnum. In that case, they’d probably prefer we forsake the construction and simply spray paint them silver and hang out there.

Jesus Juggling White House Rolls
Contrary to the Word in Sunday’s super saver circular scripture, the God-fearing Ukrop’s chain is not likely to rise and ascend into the heavens seven days after its sale goes final. But we do need a permanent reminder of one of the greatest business and community successes in the history of the River City. And what better endearing reminder than a giant granite J.C. in a Ukrop’s apron juggling 1,000 their famous White House rolls suspended in the air. (Of course, there were only five rolls to begin with.) The location? Floating above Fountain Lake at Byrd Park.

Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Yes, it’s a reinterpretation of the famous Edward Hopper “Nighthawks” painting, a semi-famous Green Day song, and a reference to Sunset Boulevard. But this new Richmond monument by the same name will honor the thousands of minor league athletes who once called the River City home. These are the athletes who were the pride of their high school and prize of their college recruiters who could never get over the hump. These are the Braves, Renegades, Speed, Kickers and future Flying Squirrels. The athletes who take the bus to Albuquerque, and then home after showering. The athletes who work part-time at bed Bath & Beyond in the offseason, shack up five to a flophouse and worship “Bull Durham.” The Boulevard of Broken Dreams Monument will be constructed out of old Zamboni parts, pine tar and Super 8 toiletries in the basement of the Diamond.

The Wanton Waitress
One day, the Fan might be overtaken by chain restaurants and platitude-spewing servers with bright, matronly smiles. We’ll need a way to remember our favorite lower-back tatt’d, studded belt-wearin’, cosmetically augmented, favorite Fan waitresses. Make her out of PBR cans, hummus, Mrs. Potato head plastic frowns, and stick her on the corner of Robinson and Main streets.

Tower O’ Trani
The trail- and asphalt-blazing former VCU president already has a life-size bronze statue at the school’s aptly named Eugene P. and Lois E. Trani Center for Life Sciences. But considering that Trani was larger than life, and super-sized his university into a city within a city, isn’t the Pope of Ram Nation deserving of something that cost more than a $60,000 souvenir? We recommend a giant hologram of Trani’s likeness to be projected into the skies above the campus at all times, with firework ceremonies commemorating his greatness at 5 p.m. each day. The projector will go on the site of the current Bojangles monument, so someone will have to get rid of that.

If we can construct these monuments, we’ll be well on the way to fortifying Richmond’s place as a destination for real history seekers. Real pizza lovers can head to Addison, Texas, the home of Pizza Hut.

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